Source: April 3, 2014
Michael McIntyre is really hilarious here 😂 That being said, I can empathize—really 😁
I just came across this article from Scary Mommy a couple of days ago and feel I have to share it here. It’s so hilariously funny, but at the same time, so true—something we parents can identify with… Well, at least I can identify with it 😁
1. At two, they can barely talk. At three, they never shut the hell up.
So so true… And still worse, I can barely understand half of what she is saying! 😃 Then when that becomes obvious to her, it leads to number 2…
2. At two, they cry. At three, they throw temper tantrums so epic, you become convinced that they are possessed by the devil.
My toddler shrieks so shrill and loud, she puts any banshee to shame! Add this to banging on the walls and floors, and you have a recipe for brewing trouble with the neighbors soon enough 😅
3. At two, they’re happy to eat anything you present to them. At three, they eat only three foods (usually consisting of a starch and processed cheese.)
In my case, these include anything sweet (read: chocolate), cheese, and anything high in carbohydrates (usually noodles) 😐
4. At two, baths are a ten minute event, the result of which is a clean child. At three, baths take over an hour, and result in a drenched bathroom, sopping wet mommy and 16 used towels.
I might also mention 5 empty bottles of shampoo, all of which I just bought one or two days earlier… 😖
5. At two, they wear diapers that can be changed on your watch. At three, they’re potty trained and the world revolves around their bladders and bowels.
This might be the only exception in my case… We just started potty training her, and while she does tell us she needs to go to the toilet, she often does so after she’s already done it 😳
6. At two, they are distracted by a box of Gerber Puffs at the grocery store. At three, they want to dictate your entire food list.
Just an example: the staple food at home now consist of chocolate, gummy bears, and ice cream 😁
7. At two, they let you dress them, looking innocent and adorable. At three, they insist on picking out their clothes, looking like pint sized versions of mental institution inhabitants.
8. At two, they don’t like to get dirty. At three, they thrive on it.
No need to explain these, I guess 😃
9. At two, you can do things for them, saving infinite amounts of time. At three, they must do everything by themselves, taking FOR-fucking-EVER.
Combine this with number 7 and you get an idea why my weekday mornings are so stressful 😖 (I’m not a stay-at-home mom—I have a full-time job, so I really have to rush and drop her at the kindergarten/daycare before I go to work at 8:15 a.m. EVERYDAY)
10. At two, manipulation is the last thing on their minds. At three, they own you. And they know it.
Going back to number 2, the main reason she shrieks worse than a banshee is because she knows just how effective that is. Couple that with loud bangings (punching and kicking) on the walls and floor, and the neighbors might get wrong ideas which could get us in serious trouble 😱 Again, I could swear she knows that too—it is her way of blackmailing us to get what she wants 😈
Having said all these, I still love her to bits… 💞 I can only hope age 4 is way better than either 2 or 3, and couldn’t wait until her next birthday… (I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the next 344 days… 😣)
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
The dog said: ‘That’ s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’
The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? T ha t’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’
The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’
But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten year! s we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.